Why Dee Salmin would rather be a 'feminist witch' than a 'cool girl'

Dee Salmin laughs when asked whether she believes her new book will lead to relationship bust-ups around Australia.

"I low-key would love that!" the podcast host tells triple j hack.

"But it's not because I want to break people up.

"However, if reading it … makes some women reflect on why their relationship isn't as fulfilling as it should be … then I've done my job."

Salmin's book, It's Not Love, Actually, is jam-packed with advice, reflections and anecdotes from a life of dating, sex and relationships that range from the ridiculous to the traumatic.

But the broadcaster is quick to point out that the book differs significantly from the dating guides she devoured from her teenage years, right through her twenties.

"They always positioned men and finding a relationship as the goal," she says.

"The period of being single was always a small little chapter and it was like, 'just wait, it'll happen to you one day and try and keep yourself busy until then.'

"This is the opposite."

Being the 'cool girl'

When it comes to relationship advice, it's difficult to imagine a more self-assured advocate for women than Salmin.

The host of triple j's sex and relationship show, 'The Hook Up,' she is also known for her bold outfit choices, advocacy for sustainability, and for calling out — and sometimes owning – the labels from online trolls.

"My favourite is 'gonad-stealing feminist witch'," she jokes.

"It's in the Instagram bio."

But Salmin admits the confidence wasn't always there.

"I had been single for most of my life and I really struggled with that.

"I'd seen so many people around me have boyfriends, have sex and date and I felt like there was something wrong with me."

Salmin says the pressure to hook up and get a boyfriend drove her to extreme lengths.

In an effort to appear as compatible as possible, she became the "cool girl" who loved everything.

"If they were a surfer, I was the cool, chill beachy babe.

"If it was the guy who studied politics, I would go out and read all the books on politics.

"I would always be up for everything and never had any needs of my own."

'I felt so much shame'

It's taken years for Salmin to realise just how much trauma she has endured.

At the age of 14 she was sexually assaulted.

But it wasn't until she was in her twenties, speaking with a friend, that Salmin recognised the experience for what it was.

"What he had done to her, he had done to me … we were both in that bed," she tells triple j hack.

Salmin recalls that she tried to minimise the assault when it happened.

"I felt so much shame and then tried to own it and be like, 'I wanted it to happen'."

"That's because women are taught that sex is something that happens to them … that women are just the receivers of men's pleasure."

The crash that changed everything

When asked about a pivotal moment that made her re-think her views on relationships, Salmin opens up about one of the hardest periods of her life.

At 18, she found the relationship she had been looking for.

"It was my first love and I thought this would be my person forever."

But Salmin's life was up-ended when the two were involved in a car accident in regional Western Australia.

Salmin was driving when the car hit a tree, trapping her inside.

Suffering serious injuries to her legs and face, she was eventually cut free from the car and flown to Perth for emergency treatment.

"I was told I might not ever walk again.

"I was in a wheelchair for six months and then on a walking frame for like a year."

But Salmin says it was the emotional consequences of the crash that were hardest to deal with.

She expected her partner to be there but instead, he disappeared.

"I didn't see him for six weeks," she tells hack.

"He never called or messaged me.

But Salmin says the unwavering support from her friends in the immediate aftermath of the accident taught her more about love than anything she's learned since.

"I realised we have been prioritising romantic love the wrong way.

"It's really set a lot of us up for failure."

'Embrace yourself'

Salmin is encouraging women to prioritise themselves, reclaim dating and sex, and embrace single life, rather than fixating on finding a partner.

Whether it's going 'boy sober' — as she did for three years during the COVID pandemic — de-centring men, or thinking about dating as an opportunity to get to know people rather than finding a partner, Salmin is urging women to embrace their passions and get to know themselves.

"I had a blank space and I just wanted to fill it," she says.

"That's the wrong approach.

"I think it's important to learn about yourself and other people."

Dating Darcy Moore

When it comes to the most scrutinised part of her personal life, Salmin says she intentionally did not dedicate much space in her book to the topic.

"I do not want people to assume that this is a book of 'how to get your Darcy Moore'," she says. 

"It is not."

Salmin has been in a high-profile relationship with the Collingwood captain for three years.

"Having a bit of that spotlight has just brought us closer together because it's made us have these really big important discussions about our relationship and how we want to protect it," she says.

"I think you're forced to have bigger conversations quicker."

Salmin says while she loves Moore immensely, they share a sense of independence, which means both of them understand that dedicating time to themselves is crucial.

"If my romantic relationship was to end, of course I would be devastated and heartbroken.

"But I know that I've got myself and I know that I would be happy again and I would have just as fulfilling a life without him.

"It's been a journey."