Couples fall in love overcoming challenges of dating with a disability

When Stacey Donchi first discovered her now fiance Steve Lyons on a dating app, it was the height of six feet on his profile that attracted her to him — and his Superman photo.

But as they chatted online, Steve soon told her he would be that tall if he was born with legs.

Steve, who has no legs and only one arm, uses a skateboard to get around.

Steve said he did "hide" his disability on dating sites.

"I'd add as much about me as I could without saying, 'I don't have legs,'" he said.

After contact was made, however, Steve said he would be upfront and say: "By the way, I don't have legs and only have one arm".

But for Stacey, it didn't matter.

A shared love of Dungeons and Dragons, Star Wars and board games far outweighed her preconceived ideas about dating a taller man.

So, she took a chance and met Steve for coffee.

She said she didn't see his disability when talking to him. 

"When you're talking to Steve — you're just talking to Steve, there's no disability when you're talking to him," Stacey said.

"It's only when he gets down on his skateboard, you're like: 'Oh that's right, you're down on a skateboard, that's cool.'

"And height doesn't matter!"

'Nothing stops us'

When they first started dating, Stacey's family and friends assumed if they had a child together, she would end up doing everything.

Nine years later, as the parents of six-year-old Pippa, Stacey said things could not be further from the truth.

"He cooks, he cleans, he makes beds, he can do everything for himself," she said.

"They can think what they like, but in this house, nothing stops us."

Steve is stepfather to Stacey's two sons, who are both adults now, while raising Pippa, who is at school.

He does the school pick-up and shopping with his daughter in tow.

But he said there had been limitations along the way.

"There's some stuff I can't do, like dads throw their kid around in the pool or drag them through the surf.

"Because I've done that."

Steve went into his daughter's classroom when she was in kindy to field any questions from kids about his disability.

"I get to be the dad at school on the skateboard.

"I have a fan club of six-year-olds in first class all saying, 'Hi Steve.'"

Letting go of preconceptions

Stacey and Steve are happily engaged and living in the town of Port Macquarie on the NSW mid north coast — the same place they first met.

While Steve had experienced rejection on the dating site, Stacey said she had no hesitation about seeing if something would develop between them.

She had been married before and had two sons.

"I had already thought, years ago, that I had my picture of the ideal relationship, and it failed," Stacey said.

"So I threw my preconceptions out the window; I am going into this with open eyes."

Regaining confidence

Katie Hammond, who experienced a spinal injury at 16 and uses a wheelchair, had similar dating experiences before meeting her husband Jimmy.

"If I put up my photo with my wheelchair, the conversations are all about my disability," she said.

"But when it's just my face it's more like, 'What are your hobbies, what do you do for work, what do you like to do on the weekend?'"

As a peer support leader with Spinal Life Australia, Katie helps people with a newly acquired spinal injury regain confidence in themselves and in dating, just as she had to relearn how to use and accept her body.

"When you first have your injury you lose your identity and that comes from having all areas of your life torn apart."

She said things like flirting could be a challenge.

"If you're no longer able to move your body, how do you cross your leg and lean into someone to show them you're attracted to them?

"How do we make up for that in other areas, like [verbal] communication or facial movements?"

Katie said she worked with people on their body image and the five areas that made up identity, which she called the five "Fs": family, finance, fitness, fun and getting frisky.

She says confidence comes from self-acceptance first.

"This is the only body that you've got — why waste a second hating on it?

"It is what it is and you have to learn to love it."