How to deal with money stress in your relationship

Financial issues are one of the top five reasons couples experience relationship conflict, and many are feeling it amid cost-of-living pressures.

That's according to Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.

She says while tension between partners isn't always about money, many people clash over values, spending habits and how they respond to financial pressure.

"Add into that pressure to respond to interest rate or petrol price rises, and those differences can get even more polarising and troublesome, and couples can start to fight more," Ms Shaw says.

Seeking support and getting on the same page about money — which doesn't necessarily have to be "a big tough conversation", Ms Shaw says — is key to successfully navigating your finances together.

What are couples struggling with the most?

Vicki Staff is coordinator of the National Debt Helpline and says most people are contacting them about mortgage stress.

"We don't expect that to change anytime soon with three successive rate rises.

"Others are struggling to repay a credit card, utilities are a pressure point, and also personal loans in general."

Rising insurance premiums and grocery costs are also causing families to rethink spending, says Nicole Heales, a financial adviser, mortgage broker and money coach.

"People are feeling real pressure on everyday essentials."

Ms Shaw says she has seen more couples with "very different levels of risk tolerance getting very stressed".

"Where one wants to invest in a riskier financial strategy, accumulate more debt, pay interest only or is very involved in gambling, and the other feels incredibly compromised in relation to safety and security."

She says gambling can tend to spike in tough economic times as people look for a "lucky break" and tell themselves "they're just having a bit of fun".

This can quickly spiral out of control, Ms Shaw says, and may lead to financial betrayal, ultimately risking the foundations of the relationship.

What you can start doing today

The most powerful thing anyone can do to take control of their financial position is get clarity around it, says Ms Staff.

"What that means in really practical terms is to track your money. Everything that is coming in and going out. And do that for your household.

"Once you have that power of knowledge, then you can start working together to make decisions around potentially changing how you spend."

The government's Moneysmart offers a budget planning tool that can help track your spending.

Budgeting can sound overwhelming, but Ms Staff says it's more about identifying your financial goals and working out how to reach them.

Ms Heales says the fastest way to get breathing space is to cut back on the non-essentials.

"Small changes, consistently, can make a big difference.

"Cut back on the 'nice-to-haves' — one streaming service at a time, fewer takeaways, a planned grocery shop, and low-cost catch-ups can free up cash fast."

She says wasting $10,000 a year only takes about $27.40 a day in miscellaneous spending.

"Thinking in daily terms can make it easier to spot habits that can be adjusted."

Ms Shaw says for some families, it will just be "keep doing what you are doing".

"But a couple should stop and be deliberate about doing this, not just say nothing and hope it all blows over."

How to better communicate about money

Ms Shaw says talking about money doesn't have to be a "big, tough conversation".

She says if a couple is arguing about a specific money issue, for example how much they spend eating out, it's better to step back and look at why that is causing tension.

It can be more useful to talk about your bigger fears, hopes and goals that relate to money, Ms Shaw says.

"Really taking the time to stand in the other's shoes and see it their way can help you understand why the communication breakdown keeps occurring and start to open up new ways to problem-solve."

Asking your partner questions about money can be a good conversation starter and a way to learn more about their take on your financial circumstance, says Ms Heales.

"Do you want to manage debt better? Do you know how we will pay our debt down? What would make life less stressful?" are some examples, she says.

Ms Staff says clarity and transparency are key to positive communication about finances in a relationship.

When working with couples, she says "if there is ever a moment we think you two aren't on the same page, we don't proceed until you are".

"We're not couples counsellors — all we can do is lead by example and maintain that really high level of transparency with both members of a couple."

Where to get financial support

If money stress is affecting your relationship, Ms Heales recommends engaging a neutral third party, like a financial coach or adviser, or a relationship counsellor.

"Someone independent who can keep the conversation calm, fair, non-judgemental, and focused on solutions."

If you are in financial trouble, you can reach out to the National Debt Helpline where you can also find a financial counsellor for free support.

"It's completely understandable to want to avoid your finances when it all feels too hard, but problems rarely improve on their own," Ms Heales says.

"If you're carrying debt, interest continues to build in the background, which can make things feel even tougher over time."

This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.