Whether it's grief or liberation, family estrangement affects many of us

Our recent story about the ambiguous loss that comes from family estrangement prompted many of you to share your own experiences.

Estrangement is the emotional or physical separation between people where a formerly close relationship becomes distant, hostile, or ceases entirely.

Whether you're a parent, sibling, child or grandchild, you've revealed the effect it has had on your life.

'I have no regrets about closing the door'

"Around nine months ago, I made the decision to cut ties with my father. He didn't like my passion for women's and LGBTQIA+ rights and dismissed my feelings about many other issues. I was forced to come out to him as a lesbian after intense interrogation. He refused to accept this part of my identity. I told him I didn't want to see him or speak to him for the foreseeable future. Christmas and Easter, as well as my birthday, are hard because I know that he's going to call." — Darcy

"I cut contact with my parents for what turned out to be a 12-month period. It was devastating but also indescribably liberating. The expectation they had of obedience and respect led to toxic familial relationships, and the impact has been lifelong. I have no regrets about closing the door on them for a period of time; sometimes we all get to the point where we need to make ourselves a priority over the expectations of others. People leave bad romantic relationships; the same understanding should apply to familial relationship situations." — Anna

A 'whole family structure' impacted

"My sister's marriage broke down during COVID lockdowns. My parents and her other siblings all tried to support her and her children in the ways that we thought best. But my sister believed that some of the family sided with the ex-husband, and she ultimately moved many kilometres away and she shut off from most of the family. Although the remaining siblings are typically on good terms with each other, the issue of our estranged sibling has at times driven a wedge between us." — Blaire

"I've been estranged from my father since July last year. My younger brother, who I've always had a close relationship with, we're no longer on speaking terms either. It has had a severe impact on my already poor health. The worst part is I don't think there'll be any reconciliation despite my best efforts, and I fear that my dad will pass away one day with no resolution." — Ally

Adoption can feel like a lifetime of estrangement

"Adopted people know deeply the feeling of estrangement because we live it each day. We are legally estranged from our biological families through the processes of adoption. Often when we go searching for our family, we are refused contact and expected to follow strict contact rules, which perpetuate the shame and secrecy of our existence. Fathers don't know we exist and are alienated from us." — Jennifer

Finding support can be difficult

"I can say this has been the hardest of all things to deal with. There is little information on the internet, I couldn't find a support group and stories are often told from the perspective of the child, not the parent. You can't help blaming yourself and forever wondering, 'what did I do?' I'm sure that there are thousands of parents out there suffering who would get some comfort from knowing they're not alone." — Joanna

"In 2015, our son announced by email that "for the foreseeable future" he would be cutting off all contact. Eleven years later, we're still totally in the dark and rely on third parties to assure us he's even alive. It's been horrible." — Leon

Terminal illness led me to reconnect with my mother

"Some would say my relationship with my mother was always estranged. Recently, Mum passed after a short battle with leukaemia. Before she died, I travelled to see her for the first time in five years and she got to meet my son. We shared more memorable moments together in those final days than possibly the previous 40-odd years. Her loss continues to bring me incredible grief, remorse, disappointment, and a variety of other emotions. Mum and I were very similar in our stubbornness, which was absolutely to our detriment in this instance." — Stephan

'I've accepted my parents' flaws

"No contact was the healthiest decision I made with my parents. Perpetuating a toxic relationship is not healthy for either party. There was always an incredibly unhealthy dynamic where any mention of my childhood would set my parents off. I've been able to accept that my parents are just people, and that despite their flaws they were just trying their best. Cutting contact was like lifting a massive weight off my chest. It gave me the space to discover who my authentic self is." — Ben